Who I Am Always Ends Up Hurting You
by FEHT
Summary: Despite always loving him as he always did, Commander Sazabi always seems to blame himself for hurting Captain the way he did. Slash inspired by the song "What Can I Say" by Dead By April. Side ficclet to Strange Beginnings, before FoG


Who I am Always Ends Up Hurting You Chaos Phoniex

Summary: Despite always loving him as he always did, Commander Sazabi always seems to blame himself for hurting Captain the way he did. Slash inspired by the song "What Can I Say" by Dead by April. Side ficclet to the story Strange Beginnings, just before Flower of Gundamia.

The Story:

Here he was again. In the deepest parts of the Neotopian grounds, away from the blistering lights of the city, alone to await his companion to come to him soon. In all his years of being online, Captain Gundam had not believed to actually find love in any place in any given time. He had believed that he would stay the monotone Gundam he always was, devoid of any emotion or any will to express himself to the wonders that lie beyond the tunnel vision he had set himself for. He did not believe that he was soon going to have everything that was ever taught to him soon becoming nothing to him as he found his will to actually love someone within the last place he expected to be. He never thought of these things before, but soon he eventually found himself thinking about this every single _second_ of his life as of now. He was no longer the clueless confused Gundam leading on a biased cause. No, he was not that no longer, and it was thanks to his companion that he managed to escape that path of biasness to finally see the true light of life. Though he did not know of his companion's own inner struggle, nor did he know of what his companion has been blaming himself for secretly. He was completely unaware of that current situation of his companion completely.

Within the confines of his office within the Magna-Musai in the dark, yet beautiful – in its own, dark, purplish, dreary special way – of the Dark Axis, Commander Stalemate Sazabi has been beating himself up constantly. One might question why the head commander of the invasion fleet would be doing such a thing to himself, despite all of his success in his life, either personal or not. His optic flashed with blatant anger as he punched the walls of his joint-office, leaving a significant dent in the wall in which he presumed he would eventually fix up later before he called anyone into his office once more. He had been constantly doing this to himself for several months now, in sworn secrecy away from his subordinates, of whom knew have grown suspicious of their commander's very aggravated mood for the past months since the capture and escape of the Gundam that has always foiled their plans in conquering Neotopia. Why was the question that plagued them for some time, but had been too afraid to voice it out, should the head commander use his floating canons to punish them for actually voicing it out. Sazabi himself was quite thankful that his subordinates had the decency to let their commander keep to himself. Ever since he was a Zako himself, everyone around him have given him the space he needed.

Painful whimpers and moans of soft agony suddenly came into the back of the commander's processor that he clutched his head and reclined onto his office chair to only hunch over his desk to place his head on the desk itself, not minding that clatter of the styluses that had fallen to the floor of his office. Those sounds that had come from his beloved had always plagued him every single _second _as he soon returned to the small mech in question for another meeting. Though his feelings towards the small mech were strong and true, Sazabi could only blame himself for causing the scars on Captain Gundam's body of the multiple times they had interfaced from their meetings with one another. He couldn't seem to grasp the fact that he caused this upon the poor small Gundam he had claimed so very long ago. It angered him to no end that he caused such pain upon the Gundam he once viewed as his enemy from a faction that stood in his way and the fact he himself was doing this to the poor mech just made him even more ashamed and angry at himself than he already was. 'What can I do, I can't leave him. Frag, I cannot do that, not to him,' thought Sazabi, fighting back the tears that dared tried to leave his optic, 'Slag, what have I gotten myself into.' His soul drive rapidly spun, aching from the torment he was currently causing himself. He knew the Gundam would soon get worried that he was not there, so with a large amount of effort and mostly all of his will power, the head commander pulled himself together to leave for Neotopia to meet with his Gundam and prayed that he won't cause any more pain he currently caused the Gundam than he already did.

Captain silently gazed upon the starry night sky, entranced by the glistening small specks in the sky. He stared deeply into the bright full moon, his startling blue optics slowly reflecting the very same moon. He silently looked around to see if anyone had come after him, knowing he would get into so much trouble with Haro if they ever found out that he was here way past curfew for the mobile suits to be up. 'If that happens I might find myself soon in Robo-House,' thought the Gundam with a shiver. He had heard stories about that place, basically terrified to go into such a place where he would get his programming reprogrammed completely. He wanted to remain just the way he currently was, he didn't want to relearn everything all over again. No, he wanted Sazabi to be with him and not become the mindless robot he was at the beginning. His soul drive spun rapidly at the thought of his bond mate's name and quickly reclined against a thick tree to calm his thoughts to return gazing upon the full moon. But when he did, he did not feel the tree bark he expected. No, he felt warm metal that was making his sensory nods become sensitive and slowly he felt two arms wrapped around his tiny waist. He leaned back, knowing who was behind him and smiled beneath his facemask. He tilted his head up to see the very mech he had been waiting for staring down at him with a fiery pink optic. Sazabi smiled at him, hiding his inner torments, his inner pain, away from the Gundam when he knew that tonight was going to be the same for the two of them. It _always _ends up that way for the two of them. "I missed you," Sazabi said as he affectionately wafted warm air on the Gundam's head, who only giggled and hummed a little in pleasure.

"I missed you too Stalemate," mumbled Captain, closing his optics as he leaned further back into his bond mate's chest, tilting his head up, just wanting to feel the commander behind him. Already he could hear his engine thrum within his chassis just by being held by the large mech. He slightly bit back his lip when he suddenly felt an old scar slight scraped against Sazabi's armored plating, not wanting the other mech to worry. But what he didn't know was that Sazabi had already felt the small portion of pain that Captain just barely experienced. He growled slightly, not enough to be noticed by the smaller mech at all, for doing this to the Gundam constantly. Voicing out his concern hesitantly, he dared asked, "Are you all right?" "Yes, I'm fine Stalemate," Captain answered back, slightly confused on why the commander would suddenly ask a question like that out of the blue. But then again, he had asked that question once before on the day of their second month being together. After 10 months, that question has risen again. He then registered Sazabi's hand roaming once more and shivered in delight when the larger mech did that. Sazabi smirked at this, forgetting his inner torment and resumed just admiring his bond mate in his arms. He then lowered his head down to lightly kiss on Captain's mask, only to have the Gundam remove the mask to let him fully kiss him on the lips. Lightly nipping his lover's fang decal, Captain could easily hear the soft moan escape from the commander's vocalizer, clearing showing the commander's rising arousal when he felt the commander's engine rumble within his hulking mass of his large body.

Slowly and gently, the commander had turned the Gundam, in which Captain happily complied to, to let him lean against the other tree so he can further continue on with the interfacing they planned to go through. Stalemate slowly moved his arm around the Gundam's waist so that his hand was at the arch of Captain's small back. Pressing it slightly, he swiftly moved his knee in between Captain's legs. Captain mewled from the sudden contact, already feeling his internals sizzling so bad with pleasure that mostly all of his cooling fans whirled on to settle them down. Sliding his hand on the Gundam's thigh, Sazabi easily felt Captain shiver suddenly and slightly smirked at that. The Axian then angled his head to lightly nip on the Gundam's neck. Captain easily moaned at the contact, letting the Axian do whatever he wanted. He could already feel his soul drive whirling rapidly in its compartment, close to activation, but paid little heed to it. Suddenly, that pleasure he was currently feeling was replaced suddenly with pain that he bit back a painful cry when Sazabi had accidently scraped his armor painfully. But when he felt his bond mate suddenly tense up from that sudden contact, Sazabi had stopped everything completely. Confused, Captain opened his optics to see that Sazabi was angry, but that anger was not directed at the Gundam, no, it was directed at the Axian himself.

"What's wrong," Captain voiced out, wanting to know what was truly wrong with Stalemate for a long time. He had taken notice that sometimes whenever Sazabi would come to visit him, there will be times when the commander would be distant or somewhat angry for some reason. At those times, the Gundam gets worried about this that it might get worse, leading him to suspect that the Axian might suddenly lash out violently at himself. "I…I can't do this anymore Chronos...I can't do this to you anymore," said Sazabi, using the Gundam's real name as he backed away to lean against a tree farther away from his bond mate. "What are you talking about," asked Captain, knowing whenever Sazabi would say his real name meant he deeply regretted something. "I'm causing you too much pain already…I can see it whenever you fight my subordinates. You're not working at the regular pace I normally see you in…I know you have scars on you, all of them caused by me. I…can't hurt you anymore Chronos. I refuse to," explained Sazabi, clenching his fist on the tree bark, actually breaking parts off the foliage. Captain approached the Axian in a comforting gesture and placed a gently hand on the Axian's lower chest, causing the commander to look directly in the pools of the Gundam's startling blue optics. Sazabi couldn't draw himself to gaze away from his bond mate, especially when Captain looked serious himself. It was something that he could never avoid.

"Stalemate…it's better for you to hurt me physically when you don't want to…than hurting me that you are doing this to yourself every time…it hurts me to know that you're hurting yourself and that it's because of me pains me to know that I'm causing this to you," Captain said. "No…no Chronos don't blame yourself," Sazabi said as he gripped the Gundam by the arms, "you're not to blame." "Then stop doing this to yourself Stalemate," pleaded Captain, his optics on the brink of leaking out tears, "please…it's hurting you and it's hurting me…so please don't do this to yourself. I'd rather want you to be here instead of not being here at all." "Chronos," mumbled Sazabi, staring deeper within the Gundam's optics with his fiery pink one. He then leaned down to light touch his Gundam's mouth with his own, who in return received a small nip on his fang decal. Sazabi came to realize what Captain had said, knowing that harming not only Captain but himself, causes more pain to both of them at the same time. His strong feelings about Captain that had awakened so many months ago only hurt the Gundam more when he hurt himself for doing this to himself. Who he was, as the commander of the whole invasion force of the Dark Axis, only harms even more to the SDG Gundam, but not at Captain directly. The Gundam can easily handle himself against his subordinates and possibly himself as well, but that doesn't escape the fact the pain he had inflicted on Captain was going to fade away that easily.

'Who I am…I always end up hurting you…no matter how it comes, I always seem to hurt you everyday…but here you are…with me…despite the things I've done to you,' thought Sazabi as he dimmed his optic while nuzzling Captain's head in an affectionate gesture, who nuzzled back in return, 'I guess this is another reason why I love you…' Captain smiled slightly when he felt the love from Sazabi slowly returning and felt his soul drive spinning rapidly again. He had forgotten all about his scars and only focused on the mech that was in front of him. Slowly they resumed what they started, their pains forgotten all at once. Focused only on each other, they both basked underneath the soft light of the moon, the stars glistening in the background, and only the sound of silence followed as they stayed under the cherry blossom tree they managed to fall under.

Despite who Sazabi was and what he stood for, Captain did not care. All he cared about was that the mech will stay forever by his side…

And that's all that matters…

The End….


End file.
